Festive
I mentioned something to Rexley about 'getting festive' and he thought I said 'get infested'. We've got cockroaches, but don't worry about that. Listen to my Christmas song. Cheers, Roy.
Stop Motion Stuff
Here is a stop motion film about the life of a man who claims to be the 'creator of Dog Judo'. Means nothing to me, and it features Rexley rather than me. Roy. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ZRzvNr85lU
Summing up 'Black Friday'
I'd rather have black fried egg.
Walking Dead
I watched The Walking Dead with Rexley last night. He kept shouting "Get the zombies pregnant!" at the screen. Apparently that's a spoiler.
Guest Appearance Magic
Me, Rexley, Rexanne, Roly, Bloodbag, Naked Reg and a few others make cameo appearances in this new short film. https://vimeo.com/107288443 Hope you're all well. Stay very Judo. Roy.
Bloodbag Injuries
Here's an interview Bloodbag gave a while ago about injuries. A rare chance for the ladies to see him without his trademark red polo shirt on. https://vimeo.com/102918219
Tour De France
There are no women allowed in the Tour De France because they’re ‘slower’. But a lady in a 30 year old Fiesta is faster than them and doesn’t practice all year. That’s my viewpoint. All the best, Roy.
Burks
Due to a dictation error, everyone has brought burkas to my barbecue. I’m starving and don’t even know who I’m talking to.
L’Injury
Rexley just told me he gave a girl lingerie. On enquiring further I found out he thought lingerie was an abbreviation for leg injury.
Fangled
These new fangled urinals are rubbish. All my lag just fell out the sides.
Oh Ye
When people say ‘Oh ye of little faith’ they should know what they’re quoting otherwise they’re just saying the word ‘ye’ for no reason. (The original quote comes from Three Men and a Little Lady, when the baby loses it’s job at the off license.)
Pete
With the World Cup in Brazil quickly approaching I’m hearing lots of talk about the legendary Brazilian player, Pete. Some people are getting so carried away they’re even spelling it wrong. If you get a good opportunity to get a cross in – you’ve simply got to cross it (I’m talking about the ‘l’ in Pele. He’s actually called Pete.) Decent player though, Pete.
Cat in a Pub
Cat in a pub! Ridiculous planet.
I’m Ill
I went to the shop and asked if they had anything for sore throats. “Shout really loud while smoking these unfiltered cigarettes smeared in some chilli sauce”, she said. She obviously misunderstood my question, but I can’t fault her answer.
Judo Stomach
A big part of being gifted with the ladies when you get older is knowing how fast you can pull your stomach in when you spot a beauty coming towards you without making your shirt ripple. Judo is everywhere.
Jogged His Memory
I just ran from the shop to get back in time to watch the snooker and effortlessly passed someone in shorts and vest – out running for fun. I assume I casually ruined their fun and have caused them to have a good think about what they are actually doing with their time.
A Press-On Matter
I don’t know if it’s a compliment that someone put the sticker on, and an insult that someone tried to rip it off – or if it’s an insult that someone put it on and a compliment that someone tried to rip it off.
Disabled
Rexley painted a disabled parking bay around his car. Then he realised he had forgotten his fake disabled badge. What would have been a £60 fine has turned into a week in prison. Actual justice.
Can’t Sleep
The earliest Judo suits were made from white sheets. Is there a link between Judo and ghosts? (I’m finding it very difficult to sleep.) There’s a bird outside squeaking repeatedly. Has been for ages. Whatever reason he thinks he’s got for doing that, he’s an idiot. I can hear Rexley snoring the tense shark-danger music from Jaws through the wall. I’m just about asleep now. Goodnight.
Hip- Hoppists
Hip-hoppists: Stop singing your own names all the time and you might make a few quid out of cover versions during future, leaner years.
Missing Plane
I said the other day about looking in New Cross bus garage for MH370 (because something similar happened to me and I found myself in that bus garage on Saturday morning). But that was a bit light hearted. Seriously though, has anyone thought of looking in space?
Once You Pop
One Pringle is never enough. I’ve just had two.
Last of the Summer Wine
Rexley just watched Last of the Summer Wine and now wants to start up a ‘gang outreach program’ to stop others falling into that lifestyle.
Don’t Try and be Something You’re Not
“Don’t try and be something you’re not” is never a good thing to hear. Especially at a fancy dress party.
Postmen
Rexley was sending a parcel but didn’t have any stamps and didn’t know how much it would cost, so he taped a blank cheque to it – one of my cheques with my forged signature on. How do I know this? Because the parcel was to me. It was an empty can of Coke with the note, “Clean this if you like doing the dishes so much.” £100 that cost me. To cut a long story short – that’s why dogs hate postmen.
Inglorious Estefan
I’ve boycotted Gloria Estefan for years – I thought she was singing ‘dog to beat’ but she’s singing ‘Dr Beat’. I’ll keep boycotting anyway.
Top 5 Rexley Tweets – February 2014
- Goths shower in milk to get their extra white look. They should be using a waterproof gloss paint, they would never need to shower again.
- @EuropeTheBandTR What will it take to put me in the band? I have an EU passport and I’m always doing final countdowns on random mugs.
- Doing a hospital visit today. Like to stay in touch with all the mugs I’ve smashed at judo.
- In judo circles I’m known as The Postman – I always deliver, except on a Sunday (when I do a lot of charity work for the local gun club).
- Anyone getting lost in the moment, deserves to be chinned for allowing a moment to out-fool them.
Top 5 Rexley Tweets – January 2014
- I cant see the point of 2014 – I need 2020.
- Look out I’m a mug smasher!
- When I roll the dice, they don’t come back. Remember that – I’m a chucker.
- Whatever you’re doing now, STOP! Look around. See all those people? Got every single one of them in my pocket. They work for me now.
- I watched myself whilst I was sleeping the other day. It was a huge honour to meet me. Try it.
Top 5 Rexley Tweets – December 2013
- If you are celebrating New Year today, remember, it happens every year – no need to be a mug about it.
- New Years Resolution #254: find out if moles have moles, if so find a cure for it.
- @clarebalding when I look at you I instantly feel very angry. Yet I feel we could chat for hours. Lets chat in the new year.
- Judo saved me from chinning untold mugs unofficially. These days it’s way more official.
- Found out today my credit rating is rubbish – not right that I’m always dishing out praise, even to mugs.
Top 5 Rexley Tweets – November 2013
- Sharks with Ponytails – the best sea-based documentary you will watch about hair.
- To the creator of scrambled eggs: a fluke or a mess?
- @animationjobs looking for someone to replace Roy on Dog Judo. Bell me if you hear anything. #dogjudo
- @VICEUK I never got my free copy of Vice through the post – I ordered 300,000 copys.
- @thomyorke are you a ghost?
Top 5 Rexley Tweets – October 2013
- @BritishJudo I’ve been described as ‘the Rexley of Judo’. It’s about time I featured in the British Judo sticker album.
- @USOlympic there’s no ‘us’ about it, I work alone.
- Morning thinking: why are press-ups not called press-downs?
- @BlackBerry at what point did blackberrys become noticeably clunky?
- Thought of the day – when do Twitter pay me?
No More Giving Me Five
I did my first ever ‘high five’ today. Quite liked it. Never again though.
Do Be Alarmed
Alarms that just make a noise to wake you up will seem very old fashioned once Rexley’s adrenalin injection alarms are readily available.
You’ve Got Tron
Rexley was trying to think of a film he saw and got the names of ‘You’ve Got Mail’ and ‘Tron’ confused and said it was called ‘You’ve Got Tron’. Which is silly.
Yeah But…
Sometimes I interrupt people early into a sentence they’ve just begun because I know what they’re about to say, and then they say something different – just to be annoying.
Faces Covered
I just saw a religious woman whose face was covered – and it gave me a brilliant idea… I’m going to cover a Faces song. Either Ooh La La or Cindy Incidentally. I’ll let you know when it has charted.
Dog Judo App
The Dog Judo app is BACK! It’s got: Rexley’s Noisebox, my blog, all the Dog Judo episodes and you can phone up Roly, Rexford, Joey Gagglio and the rest. You can find it in iTunes now.
Winter War
Rexley has been telling me about the risk posed to the Winter Olympics by the ongoing Russia/Cheshire conflict. I’m not a political Judoist, but I reckon he might have got Cheshire confused with a more volatile part of the world like Cornwall.
Bendydick Cumpatch
Rexley just asked, “Who is this Bendydick Cumpatch everyone keeps talking about?” And I can honestly say I don’t know.
Necessarily as a Solo Word
If you’ve only ever used the word ‘necessarily’ after saying the word ‘not’, like me until recently, you’re missing out on that word a bit.
Important Goals
I just had a dream where I scored for QPR. That’s why you should never unplug coma victims – because they might be scoring important goals.
Bar Shorts Interview
Rexley and I (Me and Rexley) were interviewed about film-making, and you can read it all here http://barshorts.com/bar-shorts-question-time-roy-rexley-dog-judo
Shoes and Spiders: The Facts
The statistics on the number of spiders squashed when putting on shoes per person per year are staggering (I expect.) That’s why proper Judoists don’t wear shoes.
Yo. Yo. Uh. Yo. Etc.
Yo. Yo. Uh. Yo. Is there a more arrogant and unfriendly voice than Lauren Hill’s? I’ve woken up very anti Hill. Don’t like ant hills either.
Ace of Bloody Base
I’ve just been told that All That She Wants by Ace of Bass is not about a woman wanting babies – it’s about boyfriends. I bet they can talk better English now and they realise the mistake they made and feel pretty stupid.
The Milkfloat
I just bumped into some people I used to do Judo with. They were calling me ‘Milkfloat’. I assume that’s because my Judo is electric.
Rexley Racketeer
Rexley has videoed himself handing over money for things in shops and receiving change. He’s edited out the buying stuff bit – so it looks like shopkeepers are just giving him money. He’s sending it into the mafia to try and get a job as a protection racketeer.
Cooking
Cooking is always a good excuse to drink a bit of wine. So I’m not sure why I’m on my fifth can of Special Brew. The toast looks like crap.
A Few Hellos
Hello to… Gremlin Hughes, Lavender Holyfield, Boutros Boutros Basset and Scott Jeggs.
Obituaries
Obituaries used to be about dead people, now they’re about celebrities tweet’s about dead people. “RIP insert name he/she was so gr8 #gone”
Sobering Thought
Lots of people will be getting drunk at Christmas parties tonight, but sooner or later we’re all going to need to sober up. I did a quick search on the BBC News website for ”sobering thought” and here are three sobering thoughts you can use to clear your head: “It is a sobering thought that our most influential maps are now in the hands of a very new breed of cartographers” “It’s a sobering thou…ght for every custody sergeant that they’re the ones who will end up in court should the slightest mishap befall an inmate.” “It is a sobering thought that despite a huge expansion in the travel industry, consistent profitability for many airlines and travel-related firms remains elusive.” Use them tonight. Cheers, Roy.
Wrapvertisements
I know Christmas is already quite commercial, but wrapping paper costs a fortune, so why not have adverts for Amazon, Coke and Wonga on the wrapping paper? Get some snow flakes on the logos to Christmas them up a bit. Cheaper Christmas. Everyone’s happy.
Karate Power
I just overheard a black belt say, “Before I was black belt the only power I had was negative feedback on eBay.” You guessed it… karate black belt.
Candles
Candles are a bit rubbish. It’s not something I want to dwell on, but I do think candles are a bit rubbish. That’s all from me on candles.
Breaking News
Everyone in the Antarctic froze to death last night. Not really. So let’s all stop moaning about the cold in this country. Get your winter Judo suit on and work your way up to black belt, like me. Cheers, Roy.
PPI
Someone just cold-called Rexley about PPI and he said he wants to ‘pee-pee in their eye’. He should be reasonably pleased with that.
Ploppety Lagger
I said to Rexley ‘Are we ready to get on the property ladder yet?’ He replied, ‘Yes, let’s get on the ploppety lagger’. So obviously we’re not ready yet. (I’d rather share a toilet seat with Pete Docherty than share a mortgage with Rexley anyway.)
Gene Wilder
I just saw a woman in a Judo suit who looked a lot like Gene Wilder, but was still very attractive. It just goes to show how excellent Judo suits are. Come on ladies – slip it on.
Lilt
There are lots of reggae songs about marijuana but not many about Lilt. I expect if Lilt was illegal it would be much cooler. Delagalise it.
Queens
There is a tinkle sound effect for ‘shivers down my spine’ in Bohemian Rhapsody, but no noises for any other lyrics. Do them all – or none. That’s my Judo thought for the day.
Judoist Manners
I've noticed a lot of politics in the news the last few years and I've decided what my main policy would be if I was voted in… Educating youths on what good manners are should be the job of shopkeepers. They should get government grants to educate rude kids by not selling them stuff until they’ve said please. If I get more than three thumbs up (including my own one that I'm about to click) I will stand for government.
Inside Out
My Judo suit is inside out today but that’s fine because I know Judo inside out.
Eye of the Needle
Rexley went to Moorfields eye hospital because his diarrhoea was “real eye of the needle stuff.” I’m sure the monocle they’ve given him hasn’t cured it but it seems to have stopped for now.
Fathers
Rexley thinks the point of Father's Day is to go out and father as many kids as you can… which doesn't explain the giant bag of contraceptives he's packed in readiness for Sunday. Mixed up weasel of a man.
Statutory Stuff
The good and bad news that happened to me today. Bad news: The meatballs I bought from the supermarket are meant to serve two but there was an odd number of balls and that can cause stuff to get nasty so I complained. Good news: My statutory rights weren't affected by writing a complaint letter, whatever that means. So the day evened out nicely.
Opinions, Shaped
I realise I am becoming a very important person in online Judo circles, and that increasingly people are coming to me to shape their own opinions. So here are three: 1. Any song where a woman sings to a DJ is rubbish. 2. The higher your belt, the quicker you start urinating at the urinal. 3. Dot com sites are better than dot orgs – they’ve got better stuff on.
Wind
I just broke wind and it sounded like the start of ‘Pass the Dutchie’ by Musical Youth, which is weird because normally when I break wind it sounds like Madonna.